formerly suicidal

Just saw this:

Depression in men is often not detected because they are avoiding medical checks, beyondblue chairman Jeff Kennett says. Link

I certainly found this true. My wife was pushing me to go see a doctor for months before I actually fell apart. I kept refusing. I had health problems but was afraid visiting the doctor. It shouldn’t have been that way.

Get a regular checkup. Talk with your doctor. Talk with your family. Talk. Pay attention to the response.

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Why was I suicidal? Why did I get sick? Why doesn’t anyone seem to understand?

The CBT psychology helped me heaps in answering these questions. I had all these beliefs about the world and the people around me, yet when I actually re-examined them, I found that many of these beliefs were not founded in logic or fact, but rather my perceptions of what was happening at the time.

I was suicidal because I felt I had to do things, and be things and act a certain way that caused me internal disharmony.

As an example, I had a belief that I could not be seen to be better than my father. This belief caused me to hold back on some things. I felt I missed opportunities. I felt I had to take advantage of other opportunities that I didn’t really want to. I felt pushed. But the real question here is: by who? and the answer is: by me.

Understanding what perceptions of mine caused that belief to be so strong for me helped me to actually change that belief. Now, I can accept that that is what I believed, I accept that it held me back. And I know that it was me (my thoughts) that was really holding myself back, even though at the time, it felt like it was someone else.

More importantly, I accept that it is no longer a reason (or an excuse) to hold me back any longer. I can be what-so-ever I choose.

Regardless of whether I appear better than others, or appear worse than others, it not my problem. If they have a problem with it, it is just that, their problem. For me in the past, it was my perception that was warped. What their real experience or perception of the events was is irrelevant (whether or not it was warped doesn’t matter to me). What matters is that I’ve been able to look back and re-examine my thoughts and beliefs, and re-shape them so that I can become who I want to be.

Note: I started this post because of a thought triggered by reading Dan’s post here, where he says:

Ask yourself the questions I posed above. You don’t have to share them if you don’t want to. The important thing is for you to recognise yourself and consider if you really continue with the wrongs you do.

The thought of recognising why you do things is in my mind, the key to changing what you do.

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Before my nervous breakdown, I had a ‘line in the sand’ that I was working toward.

I told myself that if I reached it, I would stop, quit, pull the plug.

However, I kept redrawing the line, looking back I can see that every time I got to within a month of the line, I’d say something like, “We are really close, I just need to do this next thing as well.”

Now when you are in a development environment, that’s ok, to a degree. The problem was that it kept happening, the ‘end date’ kept being pushed out on me.

The lesson I’ve taken away from this is: don’t flog a dead horse.

When I read today’s cartoon at Savage Chickens, it really made me think that I was one of the chickens, now I’m the other.

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Most things in life are multi-causal, that is they have multiple causes.

It’s not just one thing that causes something to occur. It was a series of events that taken all together, have caused a situation to be.

With my nervous breakdown, it was certainly multi-causal. There were health issues, diet issues, excersise issues, relationship issues, workplace issues… you get the idea.

When I first fell apart, I blamed one particular person. I felt I was a victim. I’ve come to realise that although that person contributed to my situation, they were not the only cause.

So when it came to finding a way out of all the blackness, that too required multiple inputs. As important as knowing why I considered suicide an option was, it was part of a bigger picture. All the causes needed to be addressed.

The single most important event, was that of actually make a statement that I was sick of being sick.

Even tho I was seeing doctors, I was actually in a comfort zone (a sick one, but a comfort zone none-the-less). Once I actually decided that I didn’t want to be in that place, that comfort zone, that was when I began actively looking for help, rather than passively seeking/accepting help. It was that decision that lead me to all the things that enabled me to improve.

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My name is Ben Hamilton and I was formerly suicidal.

Let me tell you why suicide was an option for me.

I had an uncle who went out drinking one night, came home, took some sleeping tablets and never woke up.

Some chose to believe it was an accident, I chose at the time to believe it wasn’t. It doesn’t matter now if it was or not. The important bit here is that when it happened, I believed it was suicide.
He was someone I looked up to. He taught me to change a tyre on a bicycle when I was four, a dragster converted into a BMX. He was fun to be around. He had answers. He was a manly man. I had great respect for him. So when he committed suicide, I believed it must be a valid course of action. If he did it, it had to be ok. I believed that suicide must be a valid course of action.

And thus a core belief was born.

As an adult, I’ve learnt more about the circumstances that led up to that event, and the situation that existed. More importantly, I’ve been able to look back at what I’ve seen first hand, at what effects it’s had on me, my family and relatives. I’ll give you the summary: suicide created more problems.

It took months visiting the Behaviour Research and Therapy Centre to understand why I believed this.

The day that I properly comprehended why I believed suicide was an option was the last day suicide was an option.

That realisation saved my life.

I still got severely depressed. I still thought about suicide, but each time it took mere minutes, then mere seconds for me to dismiss it. I have not begun planning for it since that day.

This is the reason this web site exists. I feel a need to make others to think about why they believe suicide is an option, and then to re-evaluate that belief.

Perhaps it’s for a reason similar to mine. Perhaps they too can be formerly suicidal. That is my hope.

If you have been suicidal, I invite you to comment here, on your own web site (trackback) or privately, to tell others about what has allowed you to be formerly suicidal.

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I was very stressed. I felt under pressure from all angles.

Suicide was the answer.

I felt that if I suicided, it would solve my problems:

• I wouldn’t have to deal with the stress
• I wouldn’t have to deal with particular people who caused me stress
• the insurance money would fix the financial problems my family would face

A simple plan was best I figured. On the drive to the office a concrete pylon supporting an overhead bridge seemed to me the best object to meet at speed.

For close to a month, every day, on the way to the office, on the way home, I lined up that concrete pylon. Every day I said, I’ll see how I feel this afternoon, I’ll see how I feel in the morning.

And then my business partner took 60 tablets.

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I was visiting my business partner in hospital.

He had taken 60 tablets when he should have only taken 1.
Fortunately he was found in time and the doctors saved him.
Sitting there with him, in the pysch ward, I felt comfortable and at ease. When I realised that, it was a life changing moment.

You see, I realised that if I felt more comfortable in a room full of people with mental health issues, and felt uncomfortable with the people we were working with, something was very wrong.

I fell apart.

That was July 2001.

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Hello world.

Two simple words.

Words I nearly didn’t get to say.

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